"I Live Life Through a Filter of Cancer"

“So, I lived in England from the age of 10 to 15. And over there they start you by taking chemistry, biology and physics in sixth grade. And I had this teacher named Dr. Young, who would lecture at us for our 30-minute class periods, and then again at an hour-long class period. Every week he would lecture at us, and he would just sit up there and tell us things about chemistry and science- And I was so fascinated by him, and how much he knew about how things worked, so I really enjoyed his class. And it's funny, because everyone used to call him the ‘Evil Dr. Young,’ because he was tough- and he was especially tough on girls. But I don't know, he must have had a soft spot for me or something, because I always felt like he encouraged my questions. He really let me sit with it and ask about ‘why’ or ‘I don't understand,’ and that really helped me and encouraged my teaching aspirations.

And I have always wanted to be a teacher. My grandmother was a kindergarten teacher for many, many years in the Bellevue School District. I bounced around on subjects, but Dr. Young was really the one who narrowed it down to chemistry. But then I would say honestly, the thing that has affected most of who I am today would have to be cancer. It rocked my world. I was 32, and I didn't have a family history of it, and I just felt something in the shower, and my instinct told me to go see my doctor. And it was a very lucky situation where the doctor was like, ‘Yeah, we should get you an ultrasound.’ And I asked to see if they could do it then, and I got it that day, and I only waiting for like, a weekend to find out, and then I was sitting in the kitchen when a doctor called me and said, ‘I'm so sorry, you have cancer.’ And at that time, I had a 20-month-old daughter, I'd been married for 10 years, but I had a job, and this little girl, and all of a sudden, they're telling me, everything's gonna change.

And it did. And after, I've always been very passionate about what I do. It made me take a step back and recognize that if I wanted to be here for my daughter in future years, I had to let go of my career for a little bit. I had to stop and let someone else take it while I fought the disease. And that was big for me. Teachers, we’re control freaks, I like to know what's going on, and so for me to take this thing that I had, and just say, ‘Okay, fine, I'm letting it go so I can do this the best way that I can,’ was hard. And then going through that and having the fear of dying, and watching some of my friends die- just going through that, really changed the perspective of my life of what's important and what's not.

And I used to stress a lot about work, about little things. And now I'm just like, ‘Oh, you guys, that's not, worth my energy, and emphasis.’ And not that I don't care about my job- I still feel passionately about my job, but it isn't the only thing that I have. And I would say that I basically live my life through a filter of cancer, through a cancer lens. I parent with cancer. I think to myself, ‘Oh, she's wanting me to read this story to her, she's wanting me to play this game with her, and I'd really just like to sit here and do nothing or do work or laundry or whatever I need to do.’

But then I think to myself, if I'm not here in five years, do I want her to remember me playing with her, or do I want her to remember me cleaning the kitchen and doing the laundry?

And, so I think I have a different perspective on parenting, which I think, honestly, is more of a grandparent perspective, which kind of helps. You can look back and realize, don't sweat the little stuff. If she wants to wear that outfit, don't fight with her about that. Sure, it doesn't match, and it's questionable, but don't fight with her about it. Not worth it.

And my work, I'm passionate about it, but I don't let it take over. I try and remember to be present with my family. So, yeah, I think the biggest event would definitely be cancer, and it's something that in moving forward, a lot of people expect everything to just go back to normal after treatment. But it doesn't. It stays with you forever. It's this constant, slight gray cloud, that's always hovering in the background, that, ‘Oh, that twinge, that hurt. Do I need to go get that scanned?’ You know, ‘Do I need to go get that checked out?’ So, you know, there’s some negative of that, but then a lot of positive from it, with that perspective shift.

And you know, I used to go to radiation, and there was a little girl who had her radiation appointment right before mine. And we would have appointments every day at the same time, so you get to know the people before and after you.

And I would walk in and see her little gown hung up in my changing room, and I just feel like, oh, gosh- I mean, as hard as it is for me, I can't imagine this little girl going through it, so I'm just gonna buck up and go lay on that slab and take my 20-minute nap. Because it's not my girl. It’s not my daughter. And so, cancer really gave me that perspective shift and that gratitude, which changed everything for me.

And with cancer, it brings in joy. But I think for me, the biggest thing is it makes me treat my students as humans. Because I don't know what they're going through. Just like a lot of people didn't know what I was going through when I was walking really slowly in the grocery store and pissing them off after I was tired from chemo, they didn't know what I was going through. And so, I always try when a student has some sort of story to tell me, or asks for leniency, or whatever, I always try to treat them as humans first, and view that part as my job. And then just recognize the amazingness of science! There are new cancer treatments that have come out since I was diagnosed. And that was only six years ago. And science is amazing, and I try and bring that kind of passion and that enthusiasm for science.

Another big influencer for me was the time that I spent in England. And it's not just the spelling- because I do spell things wrong, but I went to a British private school, and at that school, it wasn't cool to not care about your studies. Their parents were paying a pretty penny to send them to school, and they were supposed to do something with that. And so, we were all supposed to care about what we were doing. And interestingly, the level of respect for teachers from students was higher, but with that also came a level of closeness with the teachers that was higher. And that's really cool, you know, because we respected them so much, and so they felt like they could give us more of themselves. And so, we were very close with our staff members, but also incredibly respected them for who they were, you know, experts in their field. And so that was a big part of me as well.

And it kind of shapes a little bit more of my social aspect, because I'm a little quirky. I lived in England, I was away from American pop culture for a very long time because England it was -especially back then, it’s not as bad now with the internet, but it wasn't as prolific as it is now- but it felt like you were a year or two behind, in terms of pop culture. Things just weren't quite at the same speed. And so, there are things that, like, I just never got. From movie references and music, and sports, which actually affected me a lot, because they don't play the same sports that we do.

So, I couldn't play soccer in high school or softball or anything, because for those big years in middle school, in elementary I wasn't developing those skills because I was playing field hockey and rounders. I did cross country because that was universal, and I did golf because that was universal, and a lot of my friends from high school and elementary school, were big on the soccer team in high school. And I feel like if I'd stayed here, maybe that would have been something… although I’m not that athletic- ha-ha!

But I was ten when we moved, and so I'd had a good chunk of memorable years here, but I remember a lot about England. I mean, we were just talking as a family, I was yawning, and it reminded me of, like my first week there. I yawned in the middle of class and didn't cover my mouth because I was tired, and I was 10 years old. But I was told by the professor that that was rude and I needed to go run out to the flagpole and back to wake up. And, my gosh, you know, I was humiliated. I was called out in class. But, I mean, he made it a little softer. But he said ‘Sophie, (this other troublemaker girl) you know the way. Why don't you go with her.’ But, like, even that little moment, I still remember. You know, I remember sitting in that exact room and being like, ‘what?’ And not really understanding them either, because they're talking so fast and in this weird accent.

And everything's so much closer in Britain. You go out more, you go to town more often, and public transit is much more readily accessible. And so even as a kid, I was going to town more, I was always riding my bike to the local newsagents, -which is just like candy and newspapers and magazines, a little grocery- just because everything was smaller, everything was closer. And things were slower when you went to a restaurant here in America. It always feels like they're trying to get your table clear so that they can bring more people in. But in England, when you go to a restaurant, that was your table for the night, they're not going to rush you through it, you're going to take your time. And generally, everybody's a little bit more proper, is the best way to say it. My mom learned this very quickly at school drop off. She could not show up like, sweats and no makeup. All the women were fully dressed up, fully ready, even if that was your only appearance. Yeah, everybody cared a lot more about that kind of stuff. You know, I had a school uniform- And there are other weird things, like social aspects. They didn't have all the shows that we had. They don't have as many channels as we do. And so, the geeky part of me is because of England- I'm a big Star Trek fan. 

And that’s because it was on the equivalent of, like, NBC, at six and eight o'clock at night. And so, my whole family all became Star Trek fans, because that was what they're watching. And so, then that kind grew when I was a nuclear reactor operator, because they're all a bunch of geeks. And so, I walk into the console room and up with all of the manuals they have is a Star Trek manual, serious manual. And I walked in, and I was like ‘Oh, I’m in the right place.’”